monthly rant

  I have trich. it means i have a compulsive habit where i cant stop pulling out my hair strand by strand even though i try to stop, i love my long hair, they are below my hip but really thin god i love my extremely long hair but i cant stop, my mother also has trichotillomania. I didn't pull for a month but now relapse has been awful absolutely terrible. i have big bald patches on top of my head very visible bald patches i have to wear a scarf to school even if we have people over or we go somewhere to our friend's places i wear a scarf to hide it, people ask and it gets awkward and i have to lie all the time i've lost track of all the lies and all the times i've lied. I can't look into the mirror, I can't get myself to shower because when they are wet they are so less I can't get myself to look at them, I can't breathe when I think of my hair, I cant help but stare at other people who are happy in their own skin, their long, strong, healthy hair. i cant help the sneer that forms on my face i cant help but cry myself to sleep every night because if i dont cry or think of something else like making fake scenarios which again i know isn't exactly healthy then i cant stop pulling, i will find it hard to breathe, my body goes numb i have acute chest pains like i have pins pricking my everywhere. sometimes i want to cut them all off and get a boy cut like atleast two inches i told my parents my dad doesnt mind because he wanted a boy anyway he likes dressing me up in his clothes in fact right now i am wearing his old shirt and his perfume and he loves it so may be i did play into his weakness and asked for a boy cut and mind you i am not a great fan of boy cut like i love long hair with a passion it is almost like an obsession with long hair, but right now i really need this, so my dad is fine with it, excited eager even but my mom OH my mother, no she doesn't want that because beauty is all a girl has apparently, it doesn't matter that i cant breathe, it doesnt matter that i can't sleep at night, it doesn't matter that i can't stop my hands, it does not matter that i have panic attacks and breakdowns late at night or anytime throughout the day for that matter, no that's not important at all. What matters the most is that my most important asset is my hair, that's my beauty, girls should look beautiful, they can't afford to look ugly for a few months if it means that they will be happy, no that does not freaking matter. Her words not mine. But now my dad is pissed that my mom won't agree so now he wants me to get shoulder length hair, so you can have a fresh start he says and my mom agrees, but how do i explain it to them that i freaking hate shoulder length hair i even hate it on my own friends but i will never tell them that because thats mean and no one should have to hear that shoulder length hair looks bad on them, or that hair is all that makes them beautiful, because they do look pretty and it suits them, it is just that I don't like that on ME. How do i tell my parents i would rather have ten panic attacks in a row even though they hurt like hell than cut my hair short. I don't make sense to myself either, like this human that i am wants two inch boy hair but but not shoulder length hair. and she will have a big ass meltdown for it. Oh and my dad is now absolutely adamant that i get my hair cut at a salon and not at home, but what part of i cant show my hair or my bald patches to people does he not get. I cant feel my hands right now and even though my ponytail is as loose as it can be, it is physically hurting me like every single strand on my head is being pulled and there's just so may sensations, tingling sensations that i feel in my skull. What hurts the most is that my mom who also has this type of ocd doesnt understand, she says i did this to myself and yes i know that little fact, but she says it is because i watch to much screen which doesn't make sense because i dont have my own phone nor tablet nor pc nor computer nor any other gadget we dont even have a tv and i only get my moms laptop  for an hour that if i beg enough, so theres that, i assure you and myself it is not that and i clearly remember it started in sophomore year mainly because of academic stress, then because i saw my mom do it too, and deep down she knows that, and because they wouldnt stop abusing each other verbally and all and they wouldnt go a day without a verbal war and then i would have to listen to verbal lashings about how it was all my fault about how she stayed only for me and how i dont deserve respect. Oh and about how my future life partner will abuse and hate me because of how i am as a person that he wont love me and that if i come back home crying i will be kicked out back to him and that he will be supported and not me, and what is worse is that it is not my mom who spouts these hurtful words, it is is the only other man in my life, my father, who proves his words with his actions. And yes, i would be stupid to actually believe his words, because come on what father would do that let alone say it to their own daughter, right, but if you can do it to your own sister when she comes crying to you about her abusive husband or do it to the love of your own life when she wants to got to her parents for comfort, then give me one reason why you wouldnt do it to your own daughter. so NO, i believe you, god i believe you so freaking much that i cant breath. So yes, even though i want a breather i want a fresh start from this place i call home i am dead terrified of the prospect of trusting and spending my life with someone who, for all i know could be just like my father and what makes everything worse is even after leaving this place i dont think i will have it in me to come back home if it means it will prove them right, i guess i am and will be forever stubborn like that, i get it from my father. Now i know my mom wont have my back, though every time she cries to me about her past she swears that she will understand me and support me, but i see her in front of my dad she loves him for all he is and after everything that has happened, i know for a fact that she wont be able to break her generational curse and all she will do is cry for me but oh mama your tears have never helped me, have they? i see other people and their relationships with their mothers and im never jealous, i used to think i was lucky that i was so close to my mom that my mom always shared her 'secrets' and her hurts with me, that she trusted me, but i heard someone say that mothers should understand that their daughters are not their best friends or therapists and that they should maintain a healthy boundary with their daughters, and that just hit something in me and god are they right, after all these years i realised she wasnt being open with me she was just burdening me, it is bitter but it is true. I don't want to play the blame game here but maybe her telling me every single detail of her marriage made me look at my dad from that lens of pure loathe and rage, even though i should and must respect him no matter what but every time he does some thing or says something controversial and typically stereotypical, i cant help feel sorry for my mother and be mad at him for making her cry, but now i understand, i really do- it was not my war or battle even, it wasnt even my fight. But everything's done now, we all said things we didnt mean or maybe deep down we did and now we just sit and judge each other. Even right now, as i sit here, my hands shaking and numb and my hair are physically hurting and pulling themselves, i wont cut my hair boy-short because my own mother cares more about beauty standards more than my restricting lungs and my dad wants me to stop crying because a daughter of his cannot be weak or mentally struggling, i wont use the word ill because my father's daughter HAS to be strong, even if it is killing her, even if she cant breathe, because his daughter cannot be weak. Stubborn or ill mannered or stupid? maybe but weak and ill? Never. She can go to hell but she wont go ill. so i will wipe my tears, wipe my snot and put a big smile on my face and look strong because looking strong is important, breathing is secondary