monthly rant

  So update: shit did indeed get worse...i relapsed again AND i know i say this all the time and every time i try not to pull again but i fail obviously and this time i think its worse than it ever was before or i guess so...im forgetting so easily these days like bruh i dont even remember what happened last week..the days are turning into a big blur...and yes ik its not healthy BUT on the bright side...i actually found something i feel relaxed while doing it....sketching.

It actually started with reading mangas and watching anime, then i started drawing my fav characters from the said manga- yup, Jujutsu Kaisen- and now im obsessed. So yeah.
BUT again since i actually liked it and wanted to do more but it is starting to feel like a chore so nowim kinda lacking motivation there too, cant draw at home, the little brat i have as a sibling who keeps telling on me (i dont want unnecessary attention) and at school i barely get time ugh.

but back on the topic, I CANT FREAKING STOP PULLING-

i was bribing myself with the hopes that i would dye my hair blue-black, cuz guess who finally gave permission after loads of begging yay- but turns out you cant actually dye your hair blue if you dont have hair- or parts of it and now im crying over my big ass bald spot ooh and some of my friends are planning on getting together on the weekend but how the f am i supposed to go cuz how in the world will i make an excuse for covering my head infront of my friends and am i fake for not willing to go cuz i think its stupid? MAYBE. ok fine, YES. But in my defence ive already started being anxious abt it ooh and im also procastinating- who am i kidding- AVOIDING, going back to my martial arts classes...donno y...but my dad's stubborn af and wants me to start going cuz apparently im FAT....SPOILER ALERT ⚠: im not..i think. And now its time fr it but im shrinking in a corner praying he doesnt notice the time and realise until the times is over and GOD why is the clock ticking so slow....im sooo nauseous ughhhhh

ALSO, dont get me started on how they are lecturing me about being polite and kinder and more patient with my sister like bruh whos talking???? like my unfortunate ass is sitting here being cussed out left and right for absolutely no reason but no, IVE GOTTA BE KINDERRRRRRR.

i mean obviously i understand being kind is very very VERY important - i should know- but you cant just....uhhh nvm.